Midnight stories (2)


*This is a work of fiction.*

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” Dear you,
Today I woke up smiling. Smiling because I thought my pillow was smelling like you. I even thought you were there, with me. I felt your silhouette there.
I kept thinking about that dream and how everything was perfect, how everything is perfect and my lips seemed to have a life of their own because they just kept smiling. Everything seemed perfect.
They I really woke up and reality came crushing down on me.
My pillow didn’t smell like you. It smelled like me. It smelled like every hope that I clung to in vain, like every shattered smile, like every thought I had about you. It smelled like every breath that I took that broke my heart.
And then I stopped smiling.
Just like that. You cluelessly ruined my day and broke my heart again.
Because I realized my pillow will never smell like you. I understood it wasn’t your silhouette I was feeling. It was just another pillow. And then I realized another thing: I haven’t felt your silhouette for a long time and I never will.
How is any of this fair? How is it fair that I am here, with a broken heart, thinking about you, and you’re there, smiling, laughing, having a good time, maybe even getting laid, without any clue about how badly all this feels?
I don’t get it. I swear I don’t. Why you? Why you and not a guy that would actually look at me?
You’re my hamartia. I just got this. You’re my hamartia and you always will be.
And the worst part of it all is that I’ve never had you. Not as a friend. Not as something more than a friend. You were just a figure in my life and then suddenly you became more. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but you did.
Every day I swear that I’m going to try to move on. Stop thinking about you. But the truth is… I’m never going to be able to do that. And the tears are here again and they are threatening to spill again but I won’t let them.
I got up today and tried to move on after my heart broke again. But as much as I tried, it was impossible. It was impossible to breathe anything else after I had the impression of smelling you. It was impossible to feel anything else after feeling you in my dream. And it was impossible to see anything else after I saw your eyes in my dream.
In my dream, like in reality, you had beautiful,pitch black, deep eyes. Eyes so deep that you could get lost in them. And I guessed I did. I got lost and I fell.And now I can’t get up.
Do you know how I feel? How you unintentionally, unconsciously made me feel?
Worthless.
Hopeless.
Helpless.
Stupid.
So.
So.
Stupid.
Goddamn it I am breaking myself and I can’t stop it I don’t want to stop it I won’t I will not stop it.
I can’t imagine the day that I will be immune to your beautiful, round, pitch black eyes and your beautiful smile and your beautiful everything. The worst part of it all is that I keep hoping. Hoping that one day you’ll message me, or call me or anything. I just hope that one day I will be able to see you again, to properly say goodbye. I think this is what’s eating me up. That we didn’t get a proper goodbye.
And thought popped into my head today. Your there, where I used to be too, and I am not and someone is and someone is looking at you from the place I used to and I am so so jealous of everyone that gets to see you.
I am well aware of the fact that you have no idea who’s writing this. Maybe it’s better this way. I just wanted to write this and tell you all of this thinking that I’ve tried to do something.
I’m not going to tell you who this is. You’ll never know who’s so in love with you because I am too much of a coward to reveal my name. You won’t believe it anyone and you’ll probably make fun of me or you’d never want to see me again and that would just suck.

With Love,
Me”

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