Blue


Hello, guys! So this is something I wrote the other day and I want to share it with you. It’s nothing much, just a piece of my mind. Hope you like it!

My heart is  finally free from its cage. The cage with blue eyes and blonde hair and a smile that would make flowers grow in my lungs. 

For the longest time, I’ve asked myself why? 

What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t he like me? Why doesn’t he want me?

I used to think that it’s unfair, finding the perfect boy and not being able to have him. 

And then I’ve wondered.

God, how much I’ve wondered! Hours spent wondering, analyzing every detail of our encounter, every breath, every word, every glance stolen from both of us. Trying to find the faults in it. Hours spent not being myself. 

I would remember his perfect smile and his beautiful eyes and his perfect soul and tears would come up in my eyes and I would get so angry. So angry that I wanted to be a hurricane, smashing everything in my way, including his heart, his beautiful heart that would never be mine.

And then I just stopped looking for answers. I realized that it wasn’t me. It wasn’t even him. It was the Universe, playing its sick game on us, two perfect people in a flawed world.

So I just stopped thinking about it and at some point, it stopped bothering me. I could think about him without feeling breathless, dizzy and amazed. The weight was no longer on my lungs and shoulders.

You can’t fight against the Universe, can you?

And then it was fine because is he really perfect for me? A guy who you have to chase, one who can’t see what is right in front of him?

The answer is no.

The truth though, is that I was afraid of letting something so perfect go. It wasn’t even him that was perfect. It was me that was flawless. It was me who finally felt human, who finally felt like I had a heart, like there was a place for me in the world. It was me who felt whole. 

And that made him perfect too, because it was his eyes that would make the world a better place. It was his eyes that would make me feel like I was standing with my toes in a perfect blue water. It was his smile that would make my stone cold heart feel finally warm, so warm that some times it burned my chest.

At some point I realized that his apparent perfection was blinding me, not truly allowing me to see all the other perfect things in my life.

I felt like everything was black around me and he was the only white thing and it wasn’t fair anymore, because there are so many white, bright things things in this world and I wanted to see them all. So badly.

So I painted him black. I drowned him in his own faults and I could breathe again, my hair stone cold, but my eyes wide open, taking in everything around me. I’m finally seeing all the beauty in the world, but there’s always a trace of his eyes in everything I look at and blue is no longer blue, blue is now his eyes. 

I’ve learned to feel perfect without him. I’ve learned how to do it, even though I had to destroy myself first. I’ve destroyed myself and then put myself back together. It was hard, but I did it and God, the world is so beautiful and everything around me is bright, bright, bright. 

I still dream of him though. I dream of his eyes, of his smile, of his laughter. Every time I dream of him though, I see myself destroyed. And every time I see myself destroyed in the near future, cut in two, it’s his eyes that are the blade that had cut me in two beautiful, bloody pieces. I hate it and I hope it will end at some point. I’m afraid that he’ll come back and haunt me. Right now, he’s a ghost for me and I’m afraid of ghosts.

But life is good, afterall. And I see now that there will be other guys too. Other perfect, blue eyed guys who will take my breath away and I hope that they will let me see all the white in the world. 

 

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